I have been coming to Tazara area for a very long time, and I can swear to you that for the first time, the road was clear of traffic on Tuesday. That is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
When President Obama visited our land, billboards, posters and banners could be seen in all major roads.
For the first time I drove from Mwenge to Ubungo and the road was clear, and then from Ubungo to Tazara, and I realised that miracles are not performed by religious people only; even mortal men can do that. Okay, let us look at the week that was, and you will understand why Dar es Salaam, the city of veteran pickpockets and street preachers, was transformed overnight and threatened to resemble Washington DC.
There is a total man from a total country which is famous for producing characters like Rambo and someone called ‘The Terminator’, who are famous for wiping out whole battalions single handed and still search for more action. Rumour has it that this total man is so allergic to hawkers and beggars, that is why our main man, His Excellency President Jakaya Kikwete, called a meeting in the big white house called the State House.
The rumour mill let it out that the main inhabitant of State House glared at those present, and they shivered under the stare, and he looked at the man he has placed as the head prefect of the city, a jolly man called Sadick. “Now tell me, my wife wanted to go and do some shopping in Mwenge recently for the up-coming birthday of our son Ridhi, and she tells me that the situation she found was pathetic.
She tells me that her bodyguard lost his wallet and his i-phone, and one beggar even threatened to curse her if she did not give him any alms, what should we do and this total man is coming soon from Washington?” he asked, glaring at Sadick. The rumour mills continue that Sadick cleared his throat and swallowed a whole 1.5 litre bottle of Kilimanjaro mineral water before responding, and he told the father of Ridhiwan that everything was under control.
“What do you mean everything is under control? You mean to tell me that those ‘vibakas’ will just melt away? Or you want us to believe that the beggar who wanted to curse my wife will not threaten the husband of Michelle?” JK barked, and I understand that Sadick lifted the empty bottle to his lips before he realised that there was no water.
The chief man who makes all the police force tremble (IGP) did not get his name by accident, because he rushed to the Ikulu kitchen and came back with two cold bottles of Kilimanjaro water, and strategically placed them before Sadick, who was by now sweating profusely despite the chill from the large air conditions.
The city prefect assured Tanzania’s number one man that he has already put in place measures and counter measures which will soon transform the city into a sparkling beauty, and promised that before the man from Washington completed his tour of the land of Madiba, Dar es Salaam will be transformed.
“And what of the annoying traffic jams? I know that my people are notorious when it comes to cutting into motorcades, I have seen some of them sticking behind my limo from Ikulu all the way to Bagamoyo,” he said, and Sadick pointed a trembling finger at Mr Mwema, who was busy picking his teeth, allegedly proof of the heavy breakfast served by the Ikulu chef.
The source of my information says that he could swear that the police chief has frozen water running in his veins, because, according to him, he looked at the trembling Sadick with a bored expression before facing his boss. He told the big boss that his boys have a strategic plan of making sure that the man who has his roots in neighbouring country will have a smooth passage, and assured him that they have earmarked all the roads which will be used that day.
“Your Excellency, that day I can assure you that my boys will block all these roads, and I have instructed my team to make sure that from now until the tough man leaves, all old vehicles should not be seen in town, only shiny four wheel drives and sleek cars will be allowed to cross Salender Bridge, because I understand that there are spies in dark suits and glasses who are watching our roads even as we speak,” he said.
I am told that the big man turned to the Mayor of the city, who was busy staring at the exit sign, and asked him about the beggars and thugs in town. The man stood up, cleared his throat and told his chief that they were well prepared, because they were already arranging for transportation to ferry all the beggars from the four corners of the city and take them to the National Stadium, where they will be fed by the state until the day the father of Malia leaves town.
Our reliable source who is an expert when it comes to spinning tales told me further that the man who is notorious of wearing flowing robes told the inhabitant of State House that the government printing presses were doing overtime printing notices which will be placed at strategic places during the visit. He fumbled in his robes and produced a crumpled poster, which he hurriedly took to his boss, and told him that it was the sample of the notice.
Inatangazwa leo kuwa watu wote wavae vizuri. Ma_ jeans na t-shirt hayataruhusiwa mjini, unashauriwa kuvaa suti. wenye simu za kichina waziache nyumbani kwao, na kama mke wako hafanani na Wema Sepetu tunaomba umuache nyumbani… Watoto wa shule za kata watafunga shule siku mbili ili kupunguza msongamano wa vidumu na mafagio mitaani… Wananchi tunawapenda, tunaomba mtuelewe!
My source told me that the president laughed so hard that he had to be supported so that he could not fall from his seat, as his holiness the mayor grinned from ear to ear. “You know that the Chinese are our buddies, don’t you think that maybe they might be offended if they read this,?” asked the chief, and the IGPs hand shot up, and plainly told the Commander of the armed forces of Tanzania that the Chinese should be thinking of their ringtones before raising any objections!
By ANTHONY TAMBWE, Tanzania Daily News
